Being the "Fat" girl in College

In a society that profits from our self-doubt, choosing to love oneself is an act of rebellion. Most humans are taught from a very young age that in order to be worthy of a fairy tale ending, we must remain…thin. This is most likely why we don't see plus size women with thin or fit men online. The thinking goes that thin, conventionally attractive dudes should only be paired with thin, conventionally attractive ladies. There are no plus size cartoon princesses riding off into the sunset with Prince Charming.

I’ve always been fat because of my thyroid issue, but even in elementary school, I stayed away from the monkey bars out of fear they would collapse underneath me. In middle school, I heard every cliched taunt and insult. I eventually stopped correcting people when they called me names.

College was different in ways I never thought it would be. I’ve met interesting people who have unique perspectives on beauty and attractiveness.  Suddenly when I was in a group I rarely felt like “the fat friend.” If I walk through the aisles of desks in a lecture hall I didn't worry about what people think.  But though the people around me have different perspectives, not everything has changed.

Most of us can agree that first-world cultures tend to perceive plus size people as second-class citizens who should hate their bodies. We're constantly bombarded with weight loss campaigns, commercials for slimming pills and surgeries. Sadly, this means that when a lot of plus size individuals are approached by conventionally “good-looking” counterparts, it can be difficult to believe that the attraction is legitimate. 

There’s still the voice of self-deprecation that whispers to me every once in a while. It usually makes an appearance in the dressing room. It tells me that my thighs have no business being in that dress and my stomach should stay hidden under my t-shirt. As much as life has changed since I was in high school I sometimes feel like inside I’m the insecure girl who hides behind her baggy clothes.

I’m not accustomed to getting attention from guys. I used to feel their eyes glaze over me. Sometimes I don’t think they even saw me at all. The newfound confidence of being a leader in college suddenly made me feel like I was no longer invisible. And as nice as it was, when you’ve believed your entire life that you are not beautiful and you are unworthy of affection, it’s so hard to accept it. When you’re in college and you don’t really have a support or a regular schedule to give you structure, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by insecurities you can’t seem to escape.

I struggle with my weight every day. Some days I win and some days I lose, but one thing I’ve learned is confidence. College can be the fresh start and a new beginning for body peace, only if I allow it to be. As I mentioned, there are are no plus size cartoon princesses riding off into the sunset with Prince Charming...yet.