Confessions of a Fat Girl: Dating
Finding love is always challenging, but it’s especially hard in a world with tunnel-vision-like focus on appearance for someone who doesn’t match the high standards set for beauty in 2017. In addition, dating has never made sense to me. The idea of getting to know someone over a series of awkward meals and otherwise mundane encounters while you are both trying really hard not to get food on your clothes or burp is just stressful. Maybe I just never got the swing of dating because I was a teenage outcast.
Imagine: summer time, a 14 year old chubby white nerdy and cut-off shorts rolled allll the way up, playing horseshoes, while eating a popsicle.
That was me – a burgeoning mini-babe who didn’t know she was a total catch, trying really hard to get even a crush. I always found the world of dating and romance both alluring and inhospitable. I didn’t have the delicate graces of any of the women on TV. I was smart, but no dude seemed to care. And nothing fit me so I couldn’t even wear anything cute.
I’ve been told for years of being told that no man would ever want to be with me because I was fat. To be fair, dating as a woman of any size is often underwhelming. I have never sat with anyone who’s on the market and heard the phrase “Gee whiz, dating just fills me with so much hope and joy.” It’s like a sexual Serengeti out there, and it often feels like every zebra for herself. But the plus size woman has a particular struggle. First of all, there’s the language: how am I going to talk about my body – BBW, plus size, fat, curvy?
Then there’s the fear of rejection, something I feel super acutely as a big woman because I grew up being told I was too big to be desirable. We often date from a scarcity mentality, presuming that most men do not date plus size women. I would often find myself frustrated, and in response I did what a lot of women do: adjust my expectations and my behavior in order to accommodate the demands and expectations of my potential dates. I knew I didn’t like it, but I didn’t think there was another way.
Some men assume that if you’re overweight, you are also desperate and use that as an excuse to treat you like dirt. Some prey on the vulnerability of heavy girls, hoping to get laid quickly and get out without any further commitments. Worse, some men are fetishists and like you in such a way that it’s actually creepy to be around them. Those are the guys who “really love a cuddler” and couldn’t care less about getting to know you. They hide behind compliments that are really back-handed insults like, “There’s so much more of you for me to squeeze.”
Similarly, it’s always hard to remember that I do not have to settle, that I am entitled to my happy ending just as much as the next girl, whatever size she may be. No law says I have to lower my standards, even though sometimes a guy will make me feel like I do. Your friends may make you feel that way too. I’ll never forget the time a friend implied that I should “keep to my own.” Since I am heavy, I guess I need to date a heavy guy. There’s a judgmental subtext there. I'm not allowed to be attracted to Chris Evans because he's fit. A skinny guy would never be attracted to a fat girl. That it’s “wrong.”
In addition to passing judgment, people make assumptions about what I like, how I feel, and what I eat. As if my being plus sized has somehow earmarked me for failure in life across the board. Surely, I must sit at home eating ice cream all the time watching Breaking Bad.
My bottom line on dating is actually what I imagine it would be for many people: never let anyone convince you that you’re not entitled to self-respect and pride because of an abnormality. And I think that in the end, what people fail to remember is that we all have our abnormalities — our flaws. Some of them are just out there for everyone to see. Skinny girls have their own struggles when searching for love too. And if we can remember that fact, we might be able to join forces in the battle instead of walking into a room and identifying anyone who’s different from us as a competitor.
Like many, I held the belief that dating was intuitive, everyone just knows how to date, right? Wrong! So, so wrong. I realized I was stuck in a holding pattern that was zapping my ability to date on my terms. But in the end, I don’t know if the happy ending I’m seeking will be in finding my soulmate. I think instead it might be feeling truly comfortable in my own skin, learning how to be patient, and letting go of some of my silly rules.
Imagine: summer time, a 14 year old chubby white nerdy and cut-off shorts rolled allll the way up, playing horseshoes, while eating a popsicle.
That was me – a burgeoning mini-babe who didn’t know she was a total catch, trying really hard to get even a crush. I always found the world of dating and romance both alluring and inhospitable. I didn’t have the delicate graces of any of the women on TV. I was smart, but no dude seemed to care. And nothing fit me so I couldn’t even wear anything cute.
I’ve been told for years of being told that no man would ever want to be with me because I was fat. To be fair, dating as a woman of any size is often underwhelming. I have never sat with anyone who’s on the market and heard the phrase “Gee whiz, dating just fills me with so much hope and joy.” It’s like a sexual Serengeti out there, and it often feels like every zebra for herself. But the plus size woman has a particular struggle. First of all, there’s the language: how am I going to talk about my body – BBW, plus size, fat, curvy?
Then there’s the fear of rejection, something I feel super acutely as a big woman because I grew up being told I was too big to be desirable. We often date from a scarcity mentality, presuming that most men do not date plus size women. I would often find myself frustrated, and in response I did what a lot of women do: adjust my expectations and my behavior in order to accommodate the demands and expectations of my potential dates. I knew I didn’t like it, but I didn’t think there was another way.
Some men assume that if you’re overweight, you are also desperate and use that as an excuse to treat you like dirt. Some prey on the vulnerability of heavy girls, hoping to get laid quickly and get out without any further commitments. Worse, some men are fetishists and like you in such a way that it’s actually creepy to be around them. Those are the guys who “really love a cuddler” and couldn’t care less about getting to know you. They hide behind compliments that are really back-handed insults like, “There’s so much more of you for me to squeeze.”
Similarly, it’s always hard to remember that I do not have to settle, that I am entitled to my happy ending just as much as the next girl, whatever size she may be. No law says I have to lower my standards, even though sometimes a guy will make me feel like I do. Your friends may make you feel that way too. I’ll never forget the time a friend implied that I should “keep to my own.” Since I am heavy, I guess I need to date a heavy guy. There’s a judgmental subtext there. I'm not allowed to be attracted to Chris Evans because he's fit. A skinny guy would never be attracted to a fat girl. That it’s “wrong.”
In addition to passing judgment, people make assumptions about what I like, how I feel, and what I eat. As if my being plus sized has somehow earmarked me for failure in life across the board. Surely, I must sit at home eating ice cream all the time watching Breaking Bad.
My bottom line on dating is actually what I imagine it would be for many people: never let anyone convince you that you’re not entitled to self-respect and pride because of an abnormality. And I think that in the end, what people fail to remember is that we all have our abnormalities — our flaws. Some of them are just out there for everyone to see. Skinny girls have their own struggles when searching for love too. And if we can remember that fact, we might be able to join forces in the battle instead of walking into a room and identifying anyone who’s different from us as a competitor.
Like many, I held the belief that dating was intuitive, everyone just knows how to date, right? Wrong! So, so wrong. I realized I was stuck in a holding pattern that was zapping my ability to date on my terms. But in the end, I don’t know if the happy ending I’m seeking will be in finding my soulmate. I think instead it might be feeling truly comfortable in my own skin, learning how to be patient, and letting go of some of my silly rules.
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