My 2020 Truth

I will be the first one to admit that I walked into 2020 ready for it to be “my year.” On January 2nd, 2020 I signed a lease in my first apartment with a roommate! I was out from my moms roof! I was so excited to be on my own for the first time in 27 years. Yes, I was still living with my mother at 27. Some of us take longer at home because we are not raised with the same financial blessings others are. Any who, I had BIG plans for 2020. Signing onto a new contract for work, new friends, connecting with old friends, paying off debt by the thousands, and losing weight by the pound.

I’m not even sure what happened between January and March. Went to the bar, had an apartment party for my friends who came to town, and I worked. But then the global pandemic happened. I was a believer that it was only going to be a few weeks, but obviously here we are in 2021. In a pandemic. I’m not going to go into specific month to month changed, but here is how 2020 changed me.

Being able to work from home has been a blessing. I’m very thankful I’ve been able to maintain my job during this pandemic. But working from home wasn’t an easy transition. For the first two months, I didn’t even have a chair to sit on. In the apartment we had a very uncomfortable futon, 2 bar stools, and a beanbag chair. I’m a bigger woman and VERY aware of chairs I sit on because I’ve broken a few because of the weight limit. No biggie! I’ve accepted I’m too much to handle sometimes. But you know what I was sitting on working from home for 6 weeks? An ottoman cube. My back still hates me. With my type of work, I stayed in my half of the apartment. My bedroom, bathroom, closet. Tho at the beginning of 2020 and signing the lease, it felt huge! But when that becomes the only thing you’re seeing majority of the day? It becomes more like a prison cell. There were some days where I wouldn’t even touch the ground until 3pm! It was...miserable.

When I lived at home with my mom, I stayed in my room to avoid family drama that could unfold at any given moment. I went to work, came home, ate, showered, and went to my room. I thought things would change in 2020! I would wake up, get ready for work, meet my team in the office, go to my moms house after work to play with my dog and see my mom, and then return home for the day. Absolute opposite once March hit. My apartment was on the third floor. Awful neighbors on every single side. Blaring bass at 2am and 2pm next door and a raging dinosaur of a child below. When confronting the neighbor about the sound he said basically, he did it because I snored at night and he heard me. Well, I’m a chunky chick I’m not surprised I snored I’ve just never been confronted about it. So a new 2020 insecurity unlocked: now I can’t sleep because I’m afraid I’d be a burden on the neighbor EVEN if it’s a burden to me already for the noise but I digress.

So now I can’t sleep, still confined in a tiny room for majority of the day, no space, can’t go anywhere, and the worlds falling apart. Peachy.

During the months of March to October I’ve developed (again) social anxiety, an unhealthy eating disorder, depressed out the wazoo, and literally nothing was making me happy. If you want to know details, you can ask! But not the topic for a public log.

Time is a mystery at this point of recapping 2020. In October, I needed change. Bad. My mom convinced me to go look at another set of apartments. “Jen, you’re going to go crazy if you stay in that room much longer.” I fell in love with the apartments immediately! So what did I do? Agreed to move in! Being in a financial black hole for a few months is worth a chance at regaining the human I was before 2020 hit. And I can guarantee it was the best decision!!

Still recovering from paying rent in two spots for a few months, I’m much happier now. My mom can walk straight into my apartment now! Not up three flights of steps. My brother Marcelle actually comes over to see me and has helped me decorate my new space! I HAVE A PANTRY FOR FOOD! AND CEILING FANS!! ...AND A COUCH! My move in day, I cried over a couch! Going 10 months of uncomfortable sitting gets to you. But now I have an entire place to call my own and for me to gain my self confidence back in. A spot where guest are welcome. I can’t hear my neighbors. I can work in peace from home. 

In 2020 I got fatter, more depressed, and even regained an eating disorder. But I also got wiser and I’m on my way to becoming happier with myself and the body that is keeping me alive! Not all days are good, but they’ve been much better lately in my personal life. As long as I stay away from the news of course. I hope 2021 challenges me in ways I wouldn’t of even thought of for 2020. I hope in 2021 I can go into a grocery store again without having a panic attack, I hope I can hug people again without fear, and I really just hope that 2019 Jen can make a comeback. Or maybe? Just maybe? This was the personal setback year I needed to soar. 

If you’ve experienced any similar feeling to the emptiness I’ve felt this past year and the changes we’ve all gone through and you need someone to talk to, reach out! I’ve realized I’m not a burden to others when I ask for help and you shouldn’t feel that way either. 

Until then, I’ll still be from home like many other in this world. But instead of being a princess locked away in the tallest tower and the smallest room, I’m the Queen of my own castle.