Rules to Booze By: Drink Responsibly

It has come to my attention that I am a "go to" person when someone wants to get a drink in a bar. What can I say? Am I an alcohol connoisseur? Nahhh, I'm just older that some peeps. That being said, I've also seen some things in the bar from young folk that need to be addressed...so here are the rules to drink by! The Rules to the Booze:

• If you owe someone money, always pay them back before you go to a bar.
• Always toast before doing a shot.
• Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast. If you all bought the shot, the oldest gets to toast. If you are doing shots at home, the person who poured it gets the toast. Don't just go with "Cheers!" spin things up a bit. 
• Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you. If she buys you a drink, she likes you. All in all...if someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference. Stick to what you're drinking, homie. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
• When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails. If you don't know what this means...research first or limit your order. That line? not fun.
• Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile. Don't be a drunken mess. They won't look at you. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink. And NEVER, ever tell a bartender they made your drink too strong. If they makes it too weak, order a double next time.
• After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence. Trust me...you probably don't look like how you started out. And if you do, comment on this blog and tell me your secret. 
• Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works. When I was growing up in the bars, I got them all the time because people thought it was cute. 
• If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
• Try one new drink each week and if you are the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until they stop acknowledging you. 
• A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
• If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all their jokes and play wingman (if trying) for the night. This is a GIVEN.
• Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.”
•  If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar. (common at the Yellow Rose) 
• If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours. (Maybe this isn't a rule? Maybe something I just made up...mostly cause beer. Don't argue with me people.)
• Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered and they’re sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a Sheldon Cooper. 
• If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
• Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious. Actually, thats just me. Know what alcohol does to you before you go out in public or to a party. 
• If you are 86’d (80 miles out and 6 feet under for those of you who don't know what that means), do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
• When walking around a bar or back to a table, anyone with three or more drinks in their hands has the right of way.
• When you are at a bar, don't leave your stuff unattended. Leave it with someone. And if they leave it? That is hella rude.
• It is ok to drink alone.
• Personally, on the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss. Conversations over a drink or two is something you should enjoy doing. So whether you go out to the bar or with a group of people, you will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.