Things that suck about being an Addict’s Sibling

As siblings of addicts (or recovering), our voices are often muffled by the drama that the addicts kick up. Our needs are overlooked and we often feel alone, frustrated and misunderstood. But, sometimes you have to burn bridges even if it burns you. I’ve debated on releasing this blog for a while now. I decided to write this blog as more of a “reflective” meaning to it. It has been in my drafts for about a year, but the time has come. The things that suck about being an addicts sibling

They Choose Drugs Over You

• Instead of meeting up with you on a Saturday afternoon, your brother decides to cuddle up to the drug of his choice. This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this and although you feel frustrated, more than anything you feel duped, again.
• After a few hope-filled months of sobriety, you find out that your sister didn’t make it to your college graduation because she’s probably using again. And no matter how hard you try to figure it out, you just can’t understand why she insists on continuing to choose drugs over anything else. 
• By the time I was old enough to know better, my older brother was already struggling with addiction. So, from an early age I was often confused and heartbroken by his choice to use. But through the years, I found some relief when I realized that his choices weren’t a reflection of how little he cared for me but more about how little he cared for and respected himself.

You Don’t Trust That They’re Sober When They Say They Are

• I remember once, over the phone, when my brother was going on about how he was sober and finally, “putting his weight back on.” I really wanted to believe him and trust that this time was different from all of the other times he claimed sobriety but I had a nagging suspicion that he really wasn’t.
• The truly sad part about discovering that my brother had lied, yet again, about his recovery, was that I really wanted to believe him. And more than anything, I wanted him to prove my suspicions wrong.
• I’ve lost count of the number of times that my brother told me that he was sober when he was far from it. But I’ve learned that when it comes to the addicts in my life, it’s better for my sanity to put more faith in their actions than their words.

You Have a Parent Who Enables Your Sibling and It Drives You Crazy

• My mom is a classic enabler. She threw my brother out of the house on a regular basis only to allow him back in a week later, when he showed up at our front door with a whole new script of promises that he’d already broken.
• I used to get so angry at my Mom for not being able to see the truth about my brother’s addiction and at the same time I’d be furious with my brother for taking advantage of the one person he knew he could manipulate, our Mom.
• It took me a long time to get there, but once I accepted that my Mom’s relationship with my brother was none of my business, I stopped obsessing over their dysfunctional connection and started focusing on the only person I’ve ever had control over and that’s me. 

You Love and Hate Your Sibling

• When your sibling has repeatedly lied, manipulated, ducked responsibilities, refused treatment or even stolen from you, it’s completely understandable that you’d be angry with him or her.
• For some people, that anger can fester and turn into hate. Your sibling’s addiction may drive you to the point that you can no longer tolerate even hearing his or her name. (ex: now)
• What’s important to remember here is that the conflicted feelings you have toward your sibling are completely normal. If you’re willing to get a little curious about the way you feel, you may discover that deep down it’s not actually the sibling you hate but the behavior.

You Had to Cut Your Sibling Out of Your Life and You Feel Horrible About It

• For my own safety and sanity, I have chosen to cut him out of my life as much as I can. I can only help him or believe him so many times before it is too much for me to handle anymore.
• Do I ever second guess my choice? Yes. Do I ever feel like guilty? Yes. Do I love my brother? Absolutely. But I also value my health and well-being and hopefully someday he will understand that.

You’re Always Preparing Yourself for That Phone Call

• I, like countless other siblings, live in fear of that one phone call. The phone call where your every anxiety springs to life and you find out that your brother is dead, or your sister overdosed and was found lifeless under some bridge. 
• The anxiety we experience as siblings can easily trigger feelings of guilt and helplessness. We want to help our loved one but we eventually surrender to the truth that we can’t or we give up because we don’t know what to do anymore. 

You Miss the Person Who Was

• Although my brother is still alive, I mourn the person he was before drugs swallowed up and spit out his life. In my mind he will always be my big brother. The guy with a great sense of humor. The guy who would drop and do anything for me. And the guy who made the best prison based peanut butter fudge. 
• Will I ever get my big brother back? I don’t know and that’s the part that scares me the most. Even when he is sober, I still don’t believe him. I don’t think I will ever believe him again. But I can always hope though that one day he will decide to make new and healthier choices. 

You Deliberately Downplay Your Success

• It’s not all that difficult to appear more accomplished than your addict sibling when he or she is in jail, living homeless on the streets or bouncing from rehab to rehab. But what is difficult to deal with is the guilt we feel over the success we have in our lives.
• For years, I felt conflicted over wanting to celebrate my hard-earned accomplishments but at the same time not wanting to appear boastful in front of my brother who I knew was struggling. Downplaying my success, no matter how big or small, won’t make it any easier for my brother to choose sobriety. After all, I’m not that powerful.

People Think That If Your Sibling Is an Addict, You Must Be, Too

• As an adult, I know that addiction isn’t contagious but as I kid I thought it was. But it’s taken me years to heal my battered self-esteem and step out from underneath my brother’s and sister’s shadow.

You Feel Like No One Understands What You’re Going Through

• Even as an adult, I find it difficult to connect with people who can relate to what it’s like to have a sibling who struggles or had struggled with addiction. Within our own families, especially if we have an enabling parent, our needs can easily fall through the cracks. And even outside of our families, in the overall recovery community, we often find more of the same.