The Blog Where I Confess
If you’ve kept up with my blogs, you’d know I was recently in a car accident. Back in November, a semi hit me. Almost two months post semi I AM STILL NOT BETTER! I thought this would blow over in just a few short weeks, but nope. This entire situation has literally changed my life. This blog? My experience with these severe depressive episodes. They have hit me like a ton of bricks, or a semi. Looking back, I can see how these episodes have bottled up and came about, how several traumatic events stacked upon themselves until I finally collapsed, but now I feel annihilated, ploughed over, and destroyed virtually overnight.
For the past two months, I am physically and mentally not the same person I was the afternoon of November 7th. Yeah, I have gone through a lot in my life time, but this one is taking the biggest part out of me and the only way I know how to get by is to write about it. I’m still in lots of pain, I can’t bend either leg to its entirety yet, and worst of all? I don’t feel like myself.
I make myself get off the couch, I don’t enjoy any activity right now, and the worst part is when I can’t smile genuinely at anyone or anything. I am starting to think that this is my real personality—that I am boring, unmotivated, useless, a loser, an anomaly; that I am weak, and that all of this was my fault. I have lost so much of my confidence with so many activities and it is awful. Accidents like this truly turns your brain on you. When you are used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realize that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality. It’s hard not to trust your thoughts and it’s hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn’t.
The worst of it may be over, but there is a tiny sliver of me that knows this is not me. That this is all unhealthy and that this is not who I am meant to be, but I am stuck. I am stuck with this indescribable feeling. The feeling of unknown, abstract and painful and heavy, and every other adjective in existence. But I guess, I will get by. I always do. 2017 can be over now.
For the past two months, I am physically and mentally not the same person I was the afternoon of November 7th. Yeah, I have gone through a lot in my life time, but this one is taking the biggest part out of me and the only way I know how to get by is to write about it. I’m still in lots of pain, I can’t bend either leg to its entirety yet, and worst of all? I don’t feel like myself.
I make myself get off the couch, I don’t enjoy any activity right now, and the worst part is when I can’t smile genuinely at anyone or anything. I am starting to think that this is my real personality—that I am boring, unmotivated, useless, a loser, an anomaly; that I am weak, and that all of this was my fault. I have lost so much of my confidence with so many activities and it is awful. Accidents like this truly turns your brain on you. When you are used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realize that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality. It’s hard not to trust your thoughts and it’s hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn’t.
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