The Gorgeous Reality of Not Being Well-Liked by Everyone

We want everyone to like us, but we shouldn’t.

As social creatures, we are concerned, often to a fault, with whether or not we are enjoyed, appreciated, and respected by those around us. We pander to the whims of others, hoping to please everyone (or at least find few enemies). We try to behave affably, make the correct remark, and laugh at the appropriate times, all for the sake of winning the fancy of our company. You see, investing ourselves too fully into how others perceive us can have terrible consequences.

People who frequently seek the attention and praise of others are looking for an external validation of themselves. They want something outside of them to deem them worthy, able, and good. Usually, this is because, at their core, they are filled with self-doubt. So they do what they can to increase positive feedback and eliminate negative feedback. But here’s the problem with this way of thinking: When we act in such a way that eliminates negative criticism, we also eliminate many, many possible lifestyles, actions, and directions from our realm of possibility. We become slaves to that which we believe others will approve.

Within all of us, there are numerous things we really, deeply wish we could do — travel the Earth, start a business, build an Earthship, become a stand-up comic/vagabond, etc. etc. But the vast majority of us don’t do these things because we’re worried about what others will say or think. We end up sacrificing our selves and our dreams to try to appease those around us.

Caring too much about what others think of you stifles your ability to take risks and disrupts your social satisfaction. The funny thing is — whether we invest energy into making others like us or not, there will always be people who don’t.

Historically, many of the most loved people were also among the most hated while they were alive. Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon were both assassinated for spreading messages of love and understanding. So, I’m suggesting that we’d all be much better off embracing those who will find reason to despise us. It’s so much easier to do this than to waste our lives allowing the faultfinders to dictate our actions. Moreover, being disliked by some people is actually a sign that you’re doing something worthwhile in my opinion. So if you are a reader reading this and you hate me or talk down about me, hello. It's me.

When you simply mimic the values of your current company, your opinion stops being yours. You become a hypocritical piece of clay, molding yourself constantly to try to fit in everywhere, and in doing so, retaining no shape to call your own.

When your top priority is to gain the approval of everyone, you’re inviting people to befriend a sham. You’ve developed a façade disguising your complex, idiosyncratic, untidy self. Most people won’t know the you that’s buried beneath, and you may begin to forget that person too. On the other hand, habitually presenting your genuine, vulnerable, weird self does nothing but strengthen your acceptance of who you are. The people who call you friend will actually care about and believe in you, not some charlatan.

The more you seek to align your actions with what you feel in the heart of your being, the less you will invest in the opinions of the mud-flingers. Give yourself permission to not be the things you wish you could be. Embrace the fact that all of your qualities — both your boons and shortcomings — are essential to the equation that is you. If you have been called "bossy" embrace it. If you have been called "shy" thats ok. If you have been a pot stirrer even when you know you are not, keep mixing. People will think what they want about you but you are the one who knows the true you. As Kanye West once sang, “Everything I’m not made me everything I am.” Insults damage us most when we define ourselves based upon our perceived flaws. 

But beware, people who dislike you have legitimate reason to do so. Being genuinely yourself doesn’t do much good if you are genuinely an ignorant prick who refuses to change anything or you always want to play the boss and disrupt someone mental state so you feel in power.